Intelligence Report

I once had a pest problem and intercepted their communications...

Before I was married, I lived in a small townhouse that was routinely visited by rats and roaches. This is not uncommon in the crowded subdivisions of Metro Manila. You learn to deal with them and sometimes, when they resist all efforts of eradication, you sorta just co-exist.

These days I live in a cleaner neighborhood and have regular pest-control, so rats and roaches are basically not a problem. But back in the day…

Excerpts of correspondence between the extremist groups Rogue Antiestablishment Territorial Scum (R.A.T.S.) and Radical Order of Area Contaminators and Hierarchy of Effluence Stink (R.O.A.C.H.E.S.) currently operating in the district of [REDACTED], otherwise known as my house.

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Day 38

R.A.T.S.: Your extensive floor plans have been most useful, as is your dossier regarding the Enemy’s living arrangements. We don’t care much for the fragrance of his foot coverings – that is your territory, dear fellows. Use the information to your advantage. The rest of your report is of immense aid.

We are delighted to learn that the Enemy rarely inhabits the lower sections of his abode during evenings. A nighttime operation is therefore appropriate. With the Enemy asleep, we will reach our objectives in a shorter timeframe.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: Many lives were sacrificed to attain those plans. Battalion 3006 suffered immense casualties at the hands (or should we say feet?) of the Heathen. We pray for victory in your upcoming undertaking. Our operatives are on standby should you need further surveillance.

Please be mindful of our sentries posted at the “Pit of Refuse” which, as noted in the dossier, is west of your entry point. See that no harm comes to them.

Day 51

R.A.T.S.: Phase I of “Operation Kitchen Scout” was a success. Based on your comprehensive floor plans, we mapped a safe route from our ingress point to the Enemy’s “Food Platform”. We also discovered a major “Used Garment Deposit” tucked under a second platform and will utilize it as a rendezvous for successive missions.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: We are pleased to hear you have finally penetrated the Heathen’s quarters. We advise caution, however, as he is wary of sudden movement and is known for instant retaliation.

Should you encounter him during your mission we recommend instant withdrawal of troops. Our operatives fall victim to him everyday. But no matter; we are blessed with an unparalleled reproduction and training facility where soldiers are constantly formed and readied for battle. If your mission permits, visit the “Drainage Area” adjacent to the “Pit of Refuse”. There you will find our secret, state-of-the-art Breeding Clinic.

Day 64

R.A.T.S.: Thank you for your continued reports. As you know, “Operation Kitchen Attack” is well underway and, though our movement is guarded, we have achieved several tactical advances.

Two of our agents managed to sample a large quantity of dry cargo. They also retrieved a discarded shiny sheet with traces of a sticky brown substance. Our chemical experts have confirmed this substance contains massive amounts of animation properties. Several of our operatives, after ingesting the substance, have fallen ill. Their symptoms include jumping, wide-eyedness, and high-frequency squealing.  

We approach Phase II of “Operation Kitchen Attack” with reduced numbers as many of us are still recovering from these side effects.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: The substance you referred to in your last report has been a staple of our regiment for many years now. The Heathen unwittingly supplies us with a great life source! It will be his downfall. And yes, it is a highly saccharine ration that almost always enhances our ability to stay awake during campaigns.

A word of caution though: the Heathen also stockpiles a similar looking brown substance kept in a marked container on his shelf. It is shipped into what we refer to as the Heathen’s “Morning Drum” where it is mixed with hot water and another substance we know as “Sweet Crystals”. The Heathen consumes this mixture on a regular basis. We think it is key to his longevity.

One of our agents attempted to test the substance during a recent mission into the Heathen’s “Morning Drum” left in the “Wet Depot” (a holding bay for used containers). Unfortunately, he became extremely agitated after consuming it. There was nothing we could do but let him fly incoherently around the Heathen’s lair, slamming into walls, making a laughingstock of himself.

We hoped to salvage him at some point but could only watch in sorrow as the Heathen claimed his life with a strange weapon, best described as a thick sheet of human reading material rolled into a tube.

There is one silver lining. The Heathen was crazed with excitement, genuinely upset and floundering at our brother’s embarrassing display. He clearly abhors flight demonstrations. As of this writing, we are conscripting the biggest among our ranks to go on aerial missions. We are counting on the Enemy’s paroxysm; his distraction will provide additional cover for our intensified ground operations.

Day 69

R.A.T.S.: We have encountered a major setback. The Enemy has learned of our activities and shielded our ingress point with a slab of hardened pulp. “Operation Provision Raid” has been put on hold while our engineers bore through this obstacle.

This is entirely our fault. We were on our way to visit your Breeding Facility under the “Drainage Area” when one of our agents accidentally tipped over a series of empty canisters, thus alerting the Enemy to our presence.

We did manage to glimpse your facility, however, and commend you on the extent of your reproduction programs. Perhaps you could spearhead a workshop in this vital area? We would very much like to step up the production of our own reinforcements.

In the meantime, please provide an extra set of eyes inside the Enemy’s abode. We need to be prepared for any further adjustments when we resume our mission.

Day 73

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: Enclosed is our report on the current situation within the Enemy’s lair. As you have been busy drilling through the entry blockage, our soldiers have discovered several large yellow papyri smeared with treacle. Our intelligence suggests that this is a defense mechanism of some sort. We advise you to be on Code Red when you resume operations.

Day 75

R.A.T.S.: We are pleased to report that “Operation Gnaw” has successfully concluded. The material used to block our passage was very thin and our engineers had little trouble boring through. “Operation Kitchen Raid” will recommence in approximately 480 minutes.

Regarding your warning about a possible Enemy defense, we have deployed a Mission Objectifier for Unaccounted Snares and Entrapments. This agile cousin of ours will conduct a reconnaissance mission and report on any new hazards.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: Congratulations on the success of “Operation Back Door”.

We are monitoring your progress and are currently mobilizing units for a separate excursion into the “Pit of Refuse”. The Enemy recently dumped a large portion of decaying wet cargo and our units cannot help themselves. Please be advised of our somewhat large presence there.

We also wish to inform you of our ongoing daytime exercises in the Heathen’s sleeping quarters. Our kamikaze operatives regularly insert themselves between his night covers. We have cost him many hours of broken sleep, of which we are most proud.

Day 76

R.A.T.S.: It is a sad day for all members of the Rogue Antiestablishment Territorial Scum. The Mission Objectifier for Unaccounted Snares and Entrapments has fallen victim to a rather crude but effective defense mechanism installed by the Enemy along critical passageways in his abode. Before we could examine it ourselves the Enemy retrieved the mechanism, along with the agent’s body, and disposed of them at an undisclosed location outside.

Furthermore, the agent’s capture has led to a blockage reinforcement of our main ingress point. Our engineers were on the scene at once but determined that the new obstruction is denser than the previous one installed and would take a considerable effort to break through.

We therefore announce the temporary suspension of “Operation Kitchen Raid”. We will instead focus on the neighboring household and hope that any opposition there will not be as clever.

Feel free to continue your own activities. We continue to welcome your support although, by nature of our design, we cannot pledge our unconditional loyalty to your cause. We hope you understand.

R.O.A.C.H.E.S.: We are sorry to hear of the demise of your special operative. May his soul find peace.

The defense mechanism you referred to is a common trap primarily designed to capture Fellows of the Legion of Internal Exploration and Soaring. This is the yellow papyrus we discovered among the Heathen’s armory. It is designed to adhere to its victims and render them immobile until certain death. We advise that you archive this information for future reference.

We shall continue our day and night operations, as is the norm. We have bred thousands of fresh recruits to help in our cause against the Heathen and we intend to continue our conflict until he bows and retreats in shame.

His arrogance is growing. Our intelligence suggests that he has acquired Weapons of Mass Destruction to use against us. These come in the form of large shiny canisters that emit deadly fumes when deployed.

We are undeterred, of course, and hope to build our own WMD once we’ve acquired sufficient knowledge.

Brothers, we shall keep you informed of our victories. Do not let these setbacks deter you from your goals. We shall triumph yet!